I am a genius.

I have been saying since middle school that “they” should make a pill that stops your period until you’re ready to have kids and another that should give you the benefits of exercise while you sit on the couch changing channels.

The first of my ideas was finally implemented a few years ago. Lybrel is an oral contraceptive that stops menstruation indefinitely. Women rejoiced! No more tampons! No more pads! No more Pamprin! No more PMS defense! But wait – even though you don’t have regular periods you can have unplanned, breakthrough, unscheduled bleeding or spotting. Uh huh. Methinks there’s a little more work to do on my ingenious idea, scientists! Get cracking!

Now they’ve announced a compound called Aicar that causes mice to run 44 per cent farther on a treadmill than mice who did not receive the drug. It’s going to be exercise in pill form. What ho! That means I can continue to use the treadmill as a hanger while having a six-pack that’s not Diet Coke! A pill that will let me watch Tila Tequila National Geographic and still be able to crush beer cans with my biceps! It’s a dream come true! Does it really matter that it won’t be working my heart and lungs, burning calories, and giving me an endorphin rush?

Does it matter that both of these drugs seriously mess with body chemistry and could potentially wreak all kinds of other havoc?

Of course not! We’re talking no periods and muscles!

Dammit! Get back to work, scientists! You’ve had thirty years to perfect my ideas. My genius is getting impatient.

And when you’re done with these two, please get cracking on some of my other ideas, like making all healthy food taste like Oreos.

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