When Your Wife Has It Coming Out of Both Ends, It’s Time to Man Up and Not be an Ass

I had a colonoscopy today.

For those of you lucky enough not to know, in order to do a colonoscopy the doctors need a clear, clean colon. And there’s only one way to do that.

In my case that meant 4 Dulcolax and a 238ml bottle of Miralax poured into some Crystal Light iced tea. This after eating nothing but a lemon italian ice and 1 bottle of Ensure for the 21 hours prior.

After awhile the stuff started working, but then the same thing happened this time that happened last time I went through this: I started getting nauseous. Very nauseous. Despite drinking a ton of water I started vomiting. I’m not sure if my system didn’t like the Mirolax, or if it didn’t like it combined with Crystal Light iced tea, or if I was just getting dehydrated.

So, suffice to say I did not feel well.

It was a rough night, but Husband was kind enough to finish giving Son the pizza I microwaved for him, and to make supper for himself. He was also nice enough to leave me the dishes and the job of making Son’s lunch for school the next day. He did agree to drop Son off at school the next morning – only the second time ever (the first was last year’s Colonoscopy). I’m not complaining – that’s what I do while he’s at work.

But why is it that some men need explicit instructions on how to do simple daily tasks? Why does a man with a four year old have to be told night after night where the pajamas are kept (okay, he stopped asking awhile ago, but he asked for waaaaay too long!)? And why does the observation that Son needs a bath have to predicate a hissy fit of epic proportions about being late for work instead of a simple question of whether it needed to be done before school or if it could wait until after? And why would he not know that his sick wife would appreciate help getting Son ready for school, that “getting ready for school” means getting him dressed and fed, and to do that himself?

So I, still issuing orders from both ends, made Son breakfast and got him dressed. Husband did put on his socks and shoes and put the lunch I’d made the night before into his lunchbox with the cold pack, so there’s that.

And I think he wished me good luck as he left with Son, but I wouldn’t know.

I was still issuing orders.

5 Responses to “When Your Wife Has It Coming Out of Both Ends, It’s Time to Man Up and Not be an Ass”

  1. Good Fountain Says:

    Sometimes men are clueless. I know mine certainly has his moments. When I had pneumonia a couple of months ago, I had to be very explicit in what I needed him to do – watch kids so I can rest!

  2. Tipper Says:

    Sometimes it seems only Moms are equipped to issue from both ends and still run the house.

  3. Husband Says:

    Well if mommy doesn’t like it, then mommy can go get a full time job while daddy gets to stay home and play with son like mommy does. And mommy can also do work on the side while daddy sits around all night typing in his blog about how annoying mommy can be. Especially when daddy spends all day at work, comes home and has to work on top of whatever else mommy wants him to do. And on weekends when mommy has already decided what daddy is going to be doing without asking daddy what daddy want’s to do so mommy can go get a pedicure that daddy pays for. Or that once again, mommy having taken what little space is left in the garage after daddy has built shelves, only to have those taken by mommy too – leaving daddy no room in the garage to do the things he needs to do for mommy.

    The funny thing is though … daddy never complains on his blog (for the whole world to see, I might add) about how terrible mommy can be – no, that seems (again) to be a trait that only mommy exhibits. Daddy would never publicly humiliate mommy by making all of her failings, fodder for the entire world to enjoy. Mommy seems to be very good at convincing everyone else how bad daddy is while nary a harsh word is spoken to others about her.

    Meanwhile daddy has of course busted his ass doing home improvements in the house, like completely re-tiling the master bathroom, adding chair rail throughout the downstairs, painting the entire house, and so on and so on for the express purpose of getting out of an ever shrinking home. But alas, three years later and still nothing. Meanwhile the market has crashed, the future uncertain and once again, daddy’s dream of a better life and home for his family that he works so hard for is spat on and left to die as most dreams do.

    Boy, mommy sure does have a hard life.

  4. BeThisWay Says:

    @Husband –
    “Daddy would never publicly humiliate mommy by making all of her failings, fodder for the entire world to enjoy. “

    First, I didn’t list all of your failings.

    Second, my blog isn’t really popular enough that the entire world will see this post. Yet.

    Third, I love you anyway.

  5. Susie Says:

    I’m so lucky I don’t have these problems because, believe it or not, I have the perfect husband. He’s even come close to being able to read my mind, although he hasn’t quite mastered it. Sucks to be you guys….hee hee hee


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